2.0 The Reply — Exchanges between Goodness and the Protector
Goodness is always protected
Dear Protector,
There are times when things are very messed up in my head that I no longer know what and how to go about my daily life and what would my direction be. The only thing I know is that when I truly help others, it brings about a bit of relief in me. Perhaps that is how I pacify myself or perhaps that is how I see some meaning in myself. Or maybe I just enjoy sharing with people what I have come to realise and because I am aware of the pain of ignorance, I fully wish that they can have even a brief moment of relief.
I am not able to differentiate between the two… in many cases I truly and genuinely treat people. From the core of my heart. I never for one minute question whether there is any ulterior motive in their dealings with me. I never for one moment, held the notion that I am treating people “good” or “well”.
And for that I paid with my life; and for that moment of foolishness, I experienced death in me again and again. But still, my belief in goodness of people; and the fact that I am driven by the mere thought of doing people good that I again and again allow myself to go through the same cycle. This is a habit I have in me.
I was also under the illusion that I am never attached to them because I do them good unconditionally. Sometimes, I am saddened when I realise that they deliberately made use of me. Sometimes, I am tired when they ask for more and more. I am aware of the struggle I had in me and how I have always fallen into the same pattern.
Skilful means is something unknown to me because I have always had the wrong view that selectively being good is the same as being selfish. I am learning to truly love myself, to unconditionally love myself. I am still learning. To have come to this far, I am grateful to the one who so patiently protected the goodness in me from the bitterness and hardness of pain.
Until today, I at times, see that I am good. I no longer see myself as unworthy anymore. Sometimes, I am saddened that nobody knows how to value goodness anymore … I, I am not attached to having people see me as good. I hope I no longer seek for others’ acceptance of who I am…. And that I will be truly free from myself.
What should I be free from in myself?
Often, when I am good to people, I also convinced myself that I am not affected by them, and that I don’t need anything from them because I just do without expecting anything in return. But if I look deeper, then I uncover a sense of insecurity.
Could it be inferior complexity? Perhaps.
Could it be a form of dissatisfaction? Probably.
Then with what am I dissatisfied? Things could be better. Yes, they can always be better, I should have a sense of gratitude if I look at my surroundings. No?
I just do what I can, I tell myself.
It can be anything. It is a big sense of “emptiness” that needs to be filled. So instead of looking into this deep hole of emptiness, I looked outward to find whatever it may be that can fill me inside. Deep inside I have a gap that longed to be filled. The only reason I can “share” without expecting “anything in return” is because I have nothing to share in the first place.
I grew up with the mindset of doing things in relation to a goal. So, I worked with a desirable outcome in my mind. Every single effort expended is in relation to the outcome that I believe I needed to achieve and that was how I got confused along the way.
Why? Because this goal is not founded in true growth. This goal is founded in the base of neediness. I was not able to see that and each time I reinforced my flawed belief, I reinforced the gap which in turn intensified the need to be filled. I am looking at my self-centred cravings in relation to the various externalities I face. This is goodness in disguise and it has many faces.
But things exist in duality. I cannot see disrespect without respect. I cannot see selfishness without generosity. I cannot see attachment without freedom. I cannot see possessiveness without selflessness. I cannot see true love until I see through all those that are rooted in self-centred cravings. And then I see pure goodness when I am shown foolish goodness.
So, I should be skilful in every possible mean so that I will not be drowned by my ocean of negatives. Along with that is the new-found confidence that comes along with a proper understanding of pure goodness.
I have the intention and capacity to continue because true goodness is protected.
Goodness Apprentice.
